There’s a middle way between being a bully or a doormat.
One of the most important communication strategies I learned for negotiating came from my former therapist, Keith Witt. Up till then, my communication style had gotten me into trouble in my relationships with romantic partners, family members, and business colleagues. Witt later did a TED talk on the topic: “Two Rules for Guys.” If you want to have a successful conversation with someone, avoid extreme positions. Basically, don’t be a bully or a doormat.
I took the wisdom to heart and now I have successful, better relationships with partners and my children, and a great rapport with my business partners and clients. In fact, people often call me the “people whisperer” in tense situations and business deals because of my calm, focused, and empathetic communication style, which took years to learn.
As a talent agent, media attorney, and professor at USC Gould School of Law, I teach my students and clients how to effectively communicate in their negotiations. I’m also working on a new book—TILT the Room, coming out in 2026—which explains how you can use timing, influence, leverage, and trust to better negotiate.
Avoid being a doormat.
This idea seems obvious at first. Doormat is what you call people you walk over to get your way. No one aspires to be a doormat. So, how do people become doormats? People pleasers want to be nice. They don’t want to disappoint people. When you’re a doormat, you give away all your leverage in a negotiation.
Once you lose that, it’s really hard to get it back. Ever say yes to your child who is begging for another lollipop? Well, if you say yes once, they’ll keep on asking. Check out random intermittent reinforcement studies, and this will make even more sense.
However, you can be nice—as in polite, courteous, and respectful—while still being strong. As one of my business partners says, “Clear is kind.” I always advise my students, “Be firm yet gracious” when they are asking for something, stating a position, or negotiating.
Avoid being a bully.
The other extreme in negotiating is being a bully. These people take, take, and take from doormats and everyone else. Many people perceive the bully as having a strong negotiating stance because the bully often gets what they want.
Being a bully can work in the short run. However, in the long run, being a bully will cause problems. Sometimes, taking too strong a stance can kill the deal, and winning the deal with strong-arm tactics the first time can kill trust, along with any future deals.
Strike a balance in your communication style.
When negotiating, I advise clients and students to strike a balance between being a bully, or strong, and a doormat, or nice. You can be firm and kind at the same time. How do you do this?
For example, when in negotiations, whether it’s a business deal or a legal mediation, I’m always positive. I use gracious language. When things aren’t going well, I will say something like, “Hey, we’re halfway through the day. We’ve barely made any progress. It feels like we’re butting heads on this, and I’m concerned we’re not going to get this done today.”
It’s way better than being a bully and saying, “Hey, take it or leave it,” and walking out the door. Also, it’s better than the alternative of being a doormat and saying, “Let’s just get this done. What do you need?”
I also practice listening to everyone thoroughly to show I understand. That means rephrasing what they say to show understanding and asking probing questions about their ideas. This way, you can understand their position, call some things out that might be causing differences, and do it all in a different way. It’s a great way to keep everyone on track.
If you avoid extreme positions in negotiating, you’ll have more success in the long term. Moreover, you’ll build better relationships—and not just in your business life. It can also help strengthen your relationships with friends and family.