Have you ever been in a negotiation when it went sideways quickly? Maybe the other party (or you) became belligerent, shut down the deal or walked away? And you had no idea why that trigger happened?

Or have you ever gone into a negotiation, said something you thought was innocuous, and suddenly you’re best friends with the people on the other side of the table and have established a lifelong partnership?

Negotiating sometimes comes down to understanding and respecting other people’s codes. There are codes everywhere. You can find these behavioral codes in the military, fraternities, sororities, families and even in prison yards. When I was younger, I grew up with the code of the streets, and it meant many things, including don’t hurt your family and don’t steal from people who have less than you.

In almost every organization, and certainly every successful one, there is a culture and/or a code. When negotiators adhere to the code, they often benefit; when they violate it, consequences follow.

Today, as a talent agent, media attorney and professor, I teach my students and clients how to understand and respect the codes of other negotiators. I’m also working on my book, TILT the Room, about how to use timing, influence, leverage and trust to better negotiate.

Here are some common scenarios and types of code you might encounter.

1. When You Need To Be Confident And Grounded—But Not Arrogant

Sometimes, you need to be confident, but not arrogant. If you acknowledge someone’s power but don’t act intimidated by it, you may have a better negotiating outcome.

Finding the balance between confidence and arrogance can be difficult. To strike the right chord, be “hard on issues and soft on people.” You can stand firm on a $10 million valuation while still remaining gracious and curious.

When you feel the urge to ramble out of nervousness, stop. A well-timed pause doesn’t signal fear. It only signals you are thinking deeply, which is the sign of a seasoned negotiator.

2. Dealing With Bullies

How do you deal with bullies? If you watch the movies, you punch them in the face. In real life, that doesn’t work.

When negotiating with a bully, don’t try to overpower them. Instead, diffuse bullies with kindness (not wimpiness or softness) and acknowledge their greatness. Whatever you do, don’t embarrass a bully in front of other people.

It’s a delicate line, and it works—and has worked magic in heated and tense negotiations where bullies have been on all sides of the table.

3. Navigating A Strong Inner Circle

If you ever end up doing business with mobsters—or a group with a tight-knit culture and strong sense of loyalty—follow their code. The code is to stay quiet, don’t lie or betray confidence, and don’t gossip. These groups often like straight shooters who know how to listen. You might just be able to negotiate yourself out of trouble.

In the boardroom, this means practicing discretion. For example, never correct a junior member in front of the CEO. Even if the junior staffer is wrong. Calling them out will violate the code of internal loyalty, and they will close ranks against you.

Instead, be a straight shooter. In this context, your “yes” is ironclad and your “no” is delivered privately and respectfully.

Determining An Unknown Code

Sometimes, there is no obvious code, or it’s one you’re not familiar with, so you have to learn it. If you encounter an unknown code, this is what you should do.

1. Prepare

Before you walk into any room to negotiate, know who’s there, every person, and whether they’re a friend, a neutral or a threat.

2. Listen

Talk less, listen more. When you’re still and have a smile on your face, people will talk and spill information. They can’t help it. You can learn a lot about what people’s codes are, what they want and who the most important gatekeepers are.

3. Show Respect

Don’t embarrass people. Ever. Boost them up. Praise them and express appreciation openly in front of others. It will endear them to you because they feel good/better about themselves and you.

4. Follow The Money

Codes usually establish authority. In business, nothing reveals the power structure more than money. A family member explained this to me once, after a business lunch. I asked him, “Who’s the boss at the meeting? Are we getting work, or is he?” He said, “It’s easy—whoever pays for the lunch wants the money.”

So, the next time you go to negotiate, try to learn the other negotiator’s code. You might find yourself negotiating a better outcome.

 

This article was originally published by Forbes on March 23, 2026.