When you learn how to connect with people, you will be able to better understand, collaborate, and negotiate with them.
As an experienced negotiator, clients, colleagues, and friends always ask me, “How do you get people to agree with you?” I always tell them that to negotiate effectively you must understand people.
You need to know what makes them tick, what they want, what they think they want, what they need, what drives them, and what their motivation is. Surprisingly, it’s not always money. In fact, it’s rarely money that is the dealmaker or deal-breaker.
As a kid growing up on the streets, I learned to understand people. I needed to connect with people to survive. Later, when I was at a fire camp for indiscretions as a teen, I used the same skills to get me through the day.
For example, to get some nice clothes for a visit, I needed to know the guy at the laundry who liked to smoke, except cigs weren’t allowed. Therefore, I needed to get to a guy with cigs. I also had to know he wanted a conjugal visit with his lady, and so on. All these trades, knowledge, and negotiations, just to get a nice pair of jeans and a shirt. Can you imagine?
Today, as a talent agent, media attorney, and professor at USC Gould School of Law, I teach my students and clients how to build rapport and understanding before they negotiate. I’m also working on my new book, TILT the Room, coming out in 2026, which explains how you can use timing, influence, leverage, and trust to better negotiate.
Here are three ways I build rapport and learn to understand people before I negotiate.
1. Research the person on the other side of the table.
Take time to know who you’re meeting with in advance. This requires tapping into resources such as hiring a diligence firm, asking your network, or simply doing a quick internet search. Check out their LinkedIn profile, personal website, company website, social media, or news stories. People share a lot about themselves online. I can’t tell you how much I’ve learned and how much it has helped me build rapport with people by doing a little research.
Spending fifteen minutes can help you discover what you have in common, such as what hobbies you share, what groups you are both affiliated with, or what people are in your mutual networks. This is a huge part of reducing uncertainty and building rapport (and trust).
2. Use positive body language.
Building trust is not just about what or who you know. It’s also how you look, act, and sound. Dress appropriately for the meeting. Know your audience. Formal for formal. Casual with casual. When you first meet people, look them in the eye with a smile on your face, do a half nod, acknowledge them, and greet them. It can be simple, “How you doin?” That’s all it takes.
Smiling makes you feel better and makes others around you feel better. I learned this at a very early age on the streets. Being a cute and clean kid with a smile got me shelter, money, food, and protection.
3. Start a conversation.
Once you’ve done your research, you’re halfway to bridging the gap of trust. One great way to do this is to break the ice with something you learned. Or, if you didn’t learn anything, find out something before you start negotiating.
You can do this by being curious. Ask people about themselves. “What’s your story?” is a great opening icebreaker. Once they start talking, keep it going. Pause, stay quiet, and listen while they talk about themselves as much as they want. Identify a few common interests and connections, then build on them. Next, disclose something about yourself. It can be small. Self-disclosure begets more self-disclosure.
Once they start sharing and feeling safe, you can feel the trust building between you two.
Over the years, people have told me one of my superpowers is connecting with people. It’s something you can learn, like practicing the three steps I listed above. When you learn how to connect with people, you will be able to better understand, collaborate, and negotiate with them and get them to agree.