How to avoid conflict and keep your cool.

Sometimes, the best way to win a fight is not to fight at all. We’re all wired for conflict and fight or flight, and enculturated with the idea of justice for all, in which we believe the person who is right should prevail. 

However, that’s not how life–or business–works. Big businesses drive out small ones, obnoxious colleagues who yell get bigger raises than polite colleagues who are supportive, and revenge never makes anyone feel better.

As an attorney, top talent agent, mediator, and entrepreneur, I’ve been through decades of conflict. In litigation, especially, it’s a long, expensive, draining, and demoralizing process. The only way to win is to eviscerate the other side, drag them through the dirt, and “finish them!” And when you win in litigation, it’s after five years, some lost nights of sleep, gray hairs, high blood pressure, anxiety, and lots of wasted time.

Here is the takeaway: if you can avoid conflict, do it at all costs. There is no winner in any fight–just the side that loses less. And usually, when fights happen, there’s no going back to the good days (if there were any).

If you want to avoid unnecessary conflict in your professional and personal lives, here is what I do.

1. Choose your company wisely.

Be careful whom you associate with professionally, personally, and as your romantic partner. Don’t be surprised when you choose to associate with someone who is combative, dishonest, or insecure that you run into problems. Befriend and work with people who are empathetic, honest, and secure.

2. Set clear boundaries and guidelines regarding yourself.

Figure out your needs and your must-haves. What do you need in a business, professional, or personal relationship?

Be honest. What are the deal-breakers? Know them, and then don’t compromise on them. If you compromise too much, you will get frustrated, likely be triggered, and explode, and that can cause a fight.

3. Focus on planning for success and compliance. 

One of my old mentors, Jim McGhee, an oil man from Louisiana, taught me, “Kenny, failing to plan is to fail.” 

This applies to your personal and professional strategies as well as compliance. If you front-load work policies around compliance, doing the right thing, and associating with people who do the right thing, you will be set up for success.

4. Have a method to de-escalate tensions.

You can’t always avoid tense situations. And when you’re hungry, tired, or under pressure, things go sideways quickly.

What I always do when things start to escalate is follow the S-O-S framework invented by JP Pawliw Fry, bestselling author of Performing Under Pressure. S-O-S means stop what you’re doing (usually arguing), get some oxygen, and seek information to help understand the situation. 

In other words, when things get tense, walk it off, get some air, and think over the situation from another person’s point of view.

5. Finally, if you do fight, avoid going nuclear. 

Avoid saying things you can’t take back. If you blow people up, humiliate them, or eviscerate them, you can’t expect them to ever trust you or feel safe with you again. At least, not for a long, long time.

I see the consequences of fights all the time with clients, and we end up in litigation a lot more than we should. 

As an attorney, I often agree with clients and say, “I know you are right. I know we can probably win this thing in court. Litigation is brutal and costly. Except, it takes years off your life, and in the end, there is no winner.”

For your takeaway, I offer that you reflect and consider before you fight. And, if you absolutely must fight, think to yourself first: “Will I ever be in a relationship with this person in the future? Will I ever need something from them?” If yes, be sure you use velvet gloves and don’t put them in the ground.

This article as originally published by Inc. May 15, 2024.